Baby Steps

11/18/2013

One step forward

But two steps back

Here I go again contemplating on making a decision

That will either make or break me

The feeling of being hopeless

Feeling that this is so unnecessary

That this plan will forever scar me

To know that I have a low self-esteem makes me unlikeable

Having no confidence

Having no ability to control my emotions

Makes a person less likely to even be interested

In me

But here I am complaining

When in reality I could be doing something about it

But I want to do it... I have to

I have this urge

This burden to get it off my back

The urge to make something of myself

The urge to show people that there’s a side of me that they do not know

The urge to show others that I…

That I CAN do this

But then again

I think to myself quietly

Here I am…

Just standing like I can’t

Like I can’t do it

I’m afraid

And I can say it again

And again and again

As many times as I possibly could

Just to remind myself that

I AM AFRAID

I’m afraid…

I’m afraid of knowing the truth

Knowing the real, honest truth

Knowing that maybe they won’t like me

Knowing that once I show how I feel towards him

He may or may not be interested in me

There’s a win or lose situation for me

After all that I've done

After all that work I put into

After lying to myself over and over again

That I can do this

That maybe he MIGHT just like me

The anxiety feeling of wanting to take that risk but afraid to fall back down again

That one chance to make things right

Just for once in my life

I wanted to feel accepted

That once I take that step

That little baby step

It will make a difference or maybe

Something might go wrong

Or who knows

Maybe it might not

That maybe I’m overreacting

Or just over analyzing

Or just overthinking to myself

That maybe saying hello or hi or even hey

Will make them disinterested

But of course no one wants to be rejected right?

So we’ll do whatever we can to either get out of that situation or just not make the move

Well the first move anyways

But what can I do

I haven’t even taken the first step